Carryin' da Prophet
by NewsiesSpot88
Summary: What happens when the Brooklyn Bridge erupts into a tumultous black hole and seven newsies are transported into a strange world where hogs have terrible acne, wizards are self absorbed, and carnivorous sombreros talk?
1. A Mysterious Dream

**CARRYIN DA PROPHET  
****by NewsiesRacetrack88 and NewsiesSpot88**

**---Brooklyn---**

It was a dark and stormy night.

Spot Conlon awoke with a terrible nightmare. He sat up quickly and grabbed his cane. "I MUST GET TO MANHATTAN!" he shrieked.

**---Manhattan---**

It was a dark and stormy night.

Jack Kelly awoke with a terrible nightmare. He sat up quickly and grabbed his rope. "I MUST GET TO BROOKLYN!" he shrieked.

But Jack, contrary to Spot, was too scared to go alone. So he rallied up an unhappy bunch of newsies to accompany him: Racetrack, Kid Blink, and Skittery.

Race was very put out. "Why are we going this way? I thought we were going to Brooklyn."

"Well, _duh,_ we gotta bug Davey first."

"Why?"

"CAUSE THE WITCHES TOLD ME TO!"  
Blink exchanged a glance with Skittery. "I think he's officially lost it," he muttered.

"I HEARD THAT."

**---The Jacobs' House---**

_Tap, tap_.

Sarah awoke. "Jack!" she cried, a huge smile on her face. She opened the window, ruining her best night gown in the process, and threw her arms around Jack's neck.  
"Hey! Get off me!"

Jack shoved her out of the way and proceeded to go into David's room.

Sarah sat on the bed and wept. "WHY DON"T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?" she cried in angst.

"Jeez, woman, lighten up," Race grumbled, trying to light his cigar. He didn't realize that when it rains, water puts out fire. In the end, he just shoved the cigar into Skittery's nose.

"Davey, get up."

Jack shook his hair over the sleeping boy's face. David sat up at once in reaction to the cold water, and the boys banged heads.

"Ow! Davey, what was that for?" Jack whined.

David glared at him. "Why are you here?"

"Because I had a dream and the witches told me to take you to Brooklyn with us. We gotta go see Spot."

"Huh? Wait… _us_?"

David shrieked at the sight of a troop of wet angry teenage newsies dripping all over his rug. "NO!" he wailed, falling onto the floor on his knees. "CASHMERE…. RUINED!"

"Jeez, woman, lighten up," Race grumbled, kicking him.

**---Brooklyn Bridge---**

After a heated argument in the Jacobs' house, Jack was herding Race, Blink, Skittery, David, and even Les across the bridge. Reaching the center, Jack shrieked.

"A **DARK FIGURE**!" he yelled. No one heard him over the wind.

"What?" Skittery yelled.

"A DARK FIGURE! LIKE THE WITCHES SAID!"

It was true. Through the fog, a dark figure, like the witches said, was approaching. Jack screamed bloody murder and clung to David as if his life depended on it (which, in fact, it did).

It was Spot.

"SPOT! THANK GOODNESS!" Jack yelled, shoving David into Blink and clinging to the smaller boy, all but smothering him.

"Listen, Jacky Boy, I had a dream!" Spot said dramatically.

"Me, too!"

"Shush!"  
Jack quieted down. They all sat down on the ground, oblivious to the wet stone, and crowded around Spot, the revered story teller (as of right now).

"I had a dream!" he repeated even more dramatically. "That one day! Today, in fact! All of us together!

The newsies were quickly losing patience, except Jack, who was rapt in wonder.

"And then-"

"Yea, yea, ya had a dream, now what?" Race muttered.

Spot glared at him. "I dunno. I needed to talk to Jacky boy about it."

"And I needed to talk to Spot!" Jack burst out.

The rest of them were very confused, when SUDDENLY…

The Brooklyn Bridge **OPENED UP BENEATH THEM** into a **DEEP, DARK CHASM**, filled only by a **SPINNING VORTEX OF ****DOOM**!

Tragically screaming, loudest of all Racetrack (in Italian and English), the newsies tumbled into the deep abyss below, into the dark void.

The fell through fire, and water, and space, before landing hard next to a giant tree on a green hillside.

"Ohh…. my head," Blink groaned.

Racetrack screamed again like a lost little girl.

"Where are we?" Skittery whimpered.

"Hey! This is from my dream!" Jack and Spot exclaimed at the same time. They turned to each other. "No, it was _mine_!"

"So what happens next?" David interrupted.

Jack and Spot exchanged a glance. "Uh oh…"

**SUDDENLY**…

The tree came ALIVE! Racetrack screamed yet again, but this time it cut off in mid-shriek, due to the fact that a large branch had just whipped around into Race's gut, sending him flying.

"THE CARNIVOROUS TREE IS GONNA EAT RACE!" Blink screamed.

It was chaotic.

Newsies and branches were flying everywhere.

One newsie in particular- Skittery, maybe- hit the camera, so we lost focus for a minute.

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**So what do people think so far??? Please Review!**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter or Newsies**


	2. The Strangest Sorting Yet

When the shot came back in, a random lady was running towards the newsies, who were lying bent and broken on the ground. She pulled out a stick and a marvelous blue light shot out of it. The thrashing tree froze.

"What are you doing here?" she cried. "The Great Feast is in progress!"

"What?"

"What house are you in? I don't recognize you. You're awfully tall to be first years," the woman said.

"The house of BROOKLYN!" Spot yelled triumphantly.

Jack began to applaud, but he slowed down and stopped once he realized no one was joining in and everyone was staring at him. He hid behind David.

The woman shook her head. "First years," she muttered under her breath. "Hurry, the Sorting is almost over!" She herded the seven of them into a giant castle on the hillside.

In the blink of an eye, they were inside a gigantic hall, filled with kids of various teen ages. They were sitting at four tables, and not just those little tables you find at Tibby's. They were HUGE, like, the size of the Brooklyn Bridge!

All the kids stared at them as they were herded towards the front of the room. It was a long, painful walk.

"They're a bit tall to be first years… don't you think?" a redhead boy whispered to an identical redhead boy next to him.

The second one whispered back, "Yea, except those two."

Race glared at them, clenching his fists. He muttered something in Italian.

A few girls at the other table giggled. "That one's cute!" an Asian girl whispered. Spot winked at them. They collapsed into more giggles.

Finally, they made it all the way to the front. A hat sat on a stool. Everyone stared at it.

The lady who had brought them in hurried to stand next to the hat. She picked up a scroll.

"Sullivan, Francis!" she said clearly.

The newsies all stared at Jack. "Gasp!" they cried in unison.

Race prodded him in the back. Spot shoved him forward.

Jack took a trembling step forward. The lady lifted the hat and put it on his head. The hat opened its mouth.

"HOLY JEEZ! THE CARNIVOROUS SOMBERO IS GONNA EAT JACK'S BRAINS!" Blink yelled.

"What brains?"

"Oh, yea."

The hat spoke. "Welcome!"

Jack screamed.

"O-M-G!" Race yelled. "THE CARNIVOROUS SOMBRERO IS TALKING!"

The hat looked disgruntled. "Really," he/she/it said loftily. "Gryffindor. Now get off before I change my mind and eat your brains!"

Jack screamed and ran away. Then he threw the hat back.

The woman picked the hat up and continued. "Libalibo, Spencer!"

"Who the heck is Libalibo?" Blink scoffed.

Skittery blushed and walked forward. The newsies collapsed into a wild fit of laughing.

"Hufflepuff!" the hat cried.

"We must be the best!" Skittery-Libalibo yelled.

The Great Hall erupted into laughter. Except for one table. Skittery ran to that one and hid under it.

The door burst open. "I'M HERE! YOU CAN PARTY NOW!" a black haired boy yelled, sprinting to the front of the first table.

Everyone ignored him.

The Sorting went on.

"Jacobs, David!"

David went up. "Ravenclaw!"

"I could tell he was a smarty," the black-haired boy from the first table muttered.

_He ain't smart. He just talks too much,_ Spot thought. He took an immediate dislike to the boy. Right down to the dumb scar on his forehead and the stupid huge glasses. He thinks he's so special!

"Jacobs, Les!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Yes! I'm with Cowboy!" he yelled excitedly, brandishing his sword.

"Hawkins, Alejandro!"

"You're not Latino, are you?"

"No."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Conlon, "Brooklyn," Spot!"

Spot whooped his approval and ran up. The girls giggled. The Asian girl fainted dramatically into the aisle. The kid with the scar growled. Spot smirked.

"Slytherin!"

The one table on the far side, cloaked in darkness, cheered. Spot smirked and walked over. This was entirely enjoyable.

Randomly, Skittery wailed, "I'M ALL ALONE!"

Someone from his table patted his shoulder. "That weird Spot kid was too."

"But he's used to it!"

The hall silenced dramatically. Race trembled. The last man-boy-short person standing.

"Higgins, Anthony!"

Racetrack screamed and ran towards the door. The twin redheads spun him around. He kept running, not noticing that he was now running towards the carnivorous sombrero. It jumped from the woman's hand onto his head.

"ACK!" he yelled, tripping and knocking over a candlestick. A small fire started on the rug. The woman- or witch- extinguished it (and Race) with a jet of water from her wand. An extremely wet Race sat on the stool.

"HUFFLEPUFF!" the hat yelled.

"WHAT?" Race shrieked. "Tell ya what, sombrero, how bout I roll ya for it, double or nothing?"

The woman pushed Race towards Skittery's table. Skittery yelled with joy. Race screamed with horror.

"Now that that rather unusual Sorting has finished," a weird looking man with a long beard and half-moon glasses said, "let us eat!"

Food appeared on the tables.

"Don't touch it!" Blink screamed. "IT'S POISON!"

Everyone ignored him.

Except for the newsies, who were slightly freaked out.


	3. IS SHE PUTTING A SPELL ON US?

**-Later-**

_In the Slytherin Dormitories_

"So, you're pretty tall for an eleven year old," a boy with silver hair said, attempting to look cool by casually leaning against Spot's bedpost. Spot rolled his eyes. What an attention-seeking insecure ugly beast. The Bronx newsies weren't even that ugly!

"I'm fifteen."

"Oh, then you're really dumb for a fifteen year old."

In a flash, the boy was pinned up against the wall. "What did you say, punk?"

The boy trembled. "Please don't hurt me! I'll get my father to sue you!"

Spot rolled his eyes. "Oh yea? Yea?"

"Please! I'm innocent! I'll do whatever you want!"

Spot smirked. "Go get me a newspaper."

"A what?"

"GO!"

The boy- Draco, was his name- God, how weird- brought him the paper. The Daily Prophet. Lame-o.

Spot ripped through the moving pictures. "Not one of me? What is this?"

"Here, I'll get a picture of you!" Draco said. He brought forth a small mousey looking boy, who looked oddly out of place.

"Gee, it sure is an honor to meet you!" the mouse said. "Here!"

He momentarily blinded Spot with the flash. Draco used that time to escape.

* * *

**-Later-**

_In the Hufflepuff Common Room_

Racetrack was curled up in a ball in front of the fire, rocking back and forth, a blank stare in his eyes.

"This place is sick," he muttered to himself. "Not one of these freaks plays cards…"

"I do!" Skittery piped up.

"Shut up, Skittery!"

-Later-

In the Ravenclaw Common Room

"Hey, we gotta meet up with the other guys," David said worriedly.

"I wonder how Spot's holding up?" Blink wondered out loud. He had a sudden vision of Spot repeatedly punching a random boy. He shuddered.

The Asian girl from the Great Hall came up behind them. "You're going to meet up with that boy?" she said, attempting to appear nonchalant, though not succeeding. Her excitement was practically radiating off her in waves.

"Yea… why?"

"Well, you need somewhere to meet?"

* * *

**-Later-**

_In the Gryffindor Common Room_

"Jack?"

Jack looked up. The twin redheads were standing over him upside down. Oh wait- Jack was hanging upside down off the chair. He sat up. "Yea?"

"There's a boy outside-"

"Two, actually-"

"And a girl-"

"From Ravenclaw-"

"And they want to talk to you."

Jack rubbed his head. Why did they have to talk like that? He grabbed Les by his collar and dragged him out of the talking portrait of the creepy fat woman. It was David and Blink, plus that Asian girl.

"Jack, we gotta meet up with the other guys," David said earnestly. "And Cho has place where we can."

Jack eyed this 'Cho' suspiciously.

"Yea, Jack, she's definitely a spy for Pulitzer," Blink scoffed, rolling his eye.

"She could be!"

"Right. Well, anyway, we have to get to Slytherin, wherever that is…"

* * *

After rounding up the rest of the newsies, Cho led the way to a place she called the "Room of Requirement." A ghost-like apparition caused a disturbance along the way by toppling a bust of some bearded man on top of David. Cho pulled out her wand and shot something at the apparition, causing it to fly away, cackling and dropping ink pellets as he went.

The door opened out of nowhere on the wall. Race was scared to go in, but the others trusted Cho, who was still very excited to be standing next to Spot. She kept trying to flirt with him. He kept rolling his eyes.

"So, here we are in a magic school, somewhere in Britain, in the year 1996," David clarified.

There was a silence.

"That's terrifying," Blink said.

"The future's scary," Skittery said fearfully.

"So who exactly are you guys?"

"We are the NEWSIES OF NEW YORK CITY!" Jack yelled.

Cho stared at him blankly. "Is that your Quidditch team or something?"

"Uh… I'm gonna go with no?"

"Quidditch? You know, fly around on brooms, score with the Quaffle, avoid Bludgers, catch the Snitch?"

The newsies were pretty sure that everything Cho just said was nonsense.

"Was that a spell? IS SHE PUTTING A SPELL ON US?" Race shrieked.

"Never mind," Cho said quickly.

"Okay. So we gotta figure out how to get back to New York in 1899," David said, business like.

"Well… do you have to leave now?" Cho said, looking at Spot. He yawned.

"Well, yea."

"Okay… how did you get here?"

"The Brooklyn Bridge OPENED UP BENEATH [US] into a DEEP, DARK CHASM, filled only by a SPINNING VORTEX OF DOOM!" Race yelled. Then he translated it into Italian, because that's what he does. They all ignored that.

Cho frowned. "Well, Deep Dark Chasms filled only by Spinning Vortexes of DOOM only come around at the beginning and end of the school year, for those kids who can't afford to get to the Hogwarts Express."  
"…So we can't leave until the end of the school year?"

Race dropped to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he wailed. The lights faded out and then back in. He looked around at the others. "You guys are supposed to help me out here."  
"Oh, right," they all chorused.

"!" they wailed. The lights faded out and then back in.

"You guys done yet?" Cho said patiently.

"Yea, we're finished," Blink said, massaging his throat.

"Okay. So, yea. You guys are stuck here until June, so you better get used to it. You'll have to go to classes and everything, too, so you should get some supplies."

There was an uncomfortable moment where all the newsies muttered in dissent.

"Or, we could just cut classes," Spot offered.

There was a murmur of agreement from the newsies.

Cho rolled her eyes.


	4. Flippendo!

At breakfast the next day, Blink and David discovered the food wasn't poison. Spot discovered the same, although he didn't care, as he was so tough he was bound to be immune anyway. Race's stomach won over his fear of poison, and Skittery ate the exact same foods after so he could pick poison free ones. Race's stomach felt so happy that it was full, we doubt it would've even noticed the anthrax, anyway. Les didn't care, being near ten. Jack was still too freaked out to eat anything.

They were all handed schedules; Race and Skittery by a large green woman covered in dirt, Jack and Les by the woman who shot the terrible tree, Spot by a guy who looked like he needed a good lather, rinse, repeat, and David and Blink by a really short person who was humming under his breath.

All of these schedules were intricately detailed. All of these schedules were tossed into the bin.

For their first period 'class' (in which Race, Skittery, David, and Blink were supposed to be in 'Herbology' and Jack, Les and Spot were supposed to be in 'Charms' ('I got enough of that anyway' Jack scoffed. Spot did too. Race could use some.)) the newsies ran through the halls, jumping and kicking and flipping and whooping like Indians.

On the third floor (after narrowly escaping what could have been a disaster on the moving stairs *cough*Jack*cough*), the guy who looked like he needed a good lather, rinse, repeat came out of a classroom, his cloak and nostrils billowing.

"What-is-this-rumpus?" he said in a nasally voice.

Jack pointed to his left, where no one was standing. "He started it."

"Detention. Ten points from –" He paused and did a quick head count. "Ten points from Gryffindor, ten points from Gryffindor, ten points from Hufflepuff, ten points from Hufflepuff, ten points from Ravenclaw, ten points from Ravenclaw, and –" he paused for dramatic effect, because only Spot was left, "ten points from Gryffindor," he finished with a flourish, flourishing his robes as he swept back into his classroom.

"Well, that sucked," Jack supplied.

"On the contrary, I found it to be hilarious," Spot said.  
"Oh, yea. Really witty," Blink scoffed.

"He was real hoity toity," Les piped up.

Their detention was served in the classroom the guy who looked like he needed a good lather, rinse, repeat taught in. His name was Snape. Snape. Severus Snape.

Besides the seven newsies, the black haired kid with the stupid scar and huge glasses was there. He had apparently talked sass to Snape, and was landed here, despite his many party invitations. (There were many of those.)

David, of course, was weeping in the corner while his hands argued with each other. "DETENTION!" he wailed. "I'LL NEVER GET INTO MIT NOW!"  
The rest of the newsies ignored him. The Snape Man glided over and smacked him in the back of the head. David shut up.

The hairy potter grumbled on an on about Snape, the Malfoy kid spot didn't like, his ex girlfriend that Spot did like, his new love in the cute redhead chick Jack knew, and on top of all that, coaching Quidditch tryouts. All of the newsies were bored to tears listening to him. Jack was rapt in wonder. And awe.

"Wait, Quidditch? Like flying on brooms and scoring with Quaffles and avoiding Bludgers and catching Snitches?" Jack said with interest.

Race shrieked. "JACK'S TRYING TO PUT A SPELL ON US!"

The hairy potter eyed Race warily. "Yes, exactly like that," he said to Jack.

"I'm going to try out," Jack said loudly.

The hairy potter rolled his eyes. "Good luck. No first year has gotten in since… well, me!"

"Thanks!" Jack said, smiling broadly.

The Snape Man came in and dismissed them all. "Five points from Gryffindor," he said as they left.

"Wha…" Jack started to say.

The hairy potter waved him off. "Don't worry, it's just me."

Since they had gotten in trouble for skipping class, David forced them all into going to their classes. The first of which was taught by the Snape Man. Defense against the Dark Arts.

The idea of needing defending against dark arts freaked some of the newsies (Race) (Jack) (Skittery) out more than they cared to let on. Also, they had to sit at tables with eleven year olds. For Les, it was fine. For the others, it was humiliating. Especially since they had to sit in front and all the other students complained about not being able to see. Except the kid behind Race.

"Silence," Snape Man said.

There was silence. Race was absolutely positive it was because Snape Man had put a spell on them to make it so. That is, until Les sneezed.

"Today, you shall be learning the great art of the most difficult spell first years can ever hope to accomplish," Snape Man said dramatically. His cold black eyes swept the room, taking time to dwell intimidatingly on the newsies. "Dear me, they have raised the standards, haven't they?"

"I think he's insulting us," Skittery whispered to the room at large.

There was silence as Snape Man stared Skittery down. Then Skittery made a small, squeaky "eep"ish noise and VANISHED.

"O – M – G!" Race yelled. "THE CARNIVOROUS SNAPE MAN'S EYES VAPORIZED SKITTERY!"

With a faint _pop_, Skittery reappeared, shaking from head to toe.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Snape Man said loftily. "Turn to page three hundred and ninety four."

"The book only goes to page two hundred and seventy six," David said automatically.

Blink stared at him. "How could you _possibly_ know that?"

"We don't even have the book!" Race said indignantly.

"What is this rumpus about not having a book?" Snape Man said dramatically, gliding up in a rather Snake Man-ish way.

David looked straight ahead at the black board, determined not to be vaporized. "We don't have any supplies, sir," he said bravely.

"Why?" The word was drawn out by Snape Man's Snake Man-ish tongue. It was rather creepy.

"Well, we didn't exactly know we'd be coming here…"

"No excuse." Snape Man's nostrils flared. "Turn to page three hundred and ninety four."  
The newsies shrugged at each other and mimed turning three hundred and ninety dour pages. Spot was the only one smart enough to turn three hundred and ninety four pages at once (but he nearly broke his desk doing it).

"Flippendo!" Snape Man said dramatically. "The magical art of magical art that is Flippendo! It's great, wondrous, iridescent qualities that make it so luscious are…"

"What is Flippendo, exactly?" Spot interrupted.

Snape Man paused. "Anything, really. You just point your wand at something, and _FLIPPENDO_!"

He made Jack's head increase dramatically in size, Race's hidden aces fly out of his mouth, and David's hair stand straight up with one flick of his wand.  
"Wow!" the newsies gasped in unison.

As an experiment, Spot pulled a nail from his desk and jabbed it into Jack's head. Instead of it cutting through flesh and blood, Jack's head POPPED like a balloon and zoomed around the room, deflating helium. It landed on Snape Man's head, then vanished. At the same time, Jack's neck (previously headless) grew another one.

"Whoah, that was so cool!" Jack burst out. "Talk about an out of body experience!" Then he wrinkled his nose. "Except being on Snape Man's head. Really, duded, I got two words for you. Lather, Rinse, Repeat."  
"And I have two for you. Detention," Snape Man said silkily. "Back to Flippendo…"

The newsies failed that class miserably. Not only had they failed to perform Flippendo, brandishing invisible wands, but Jack had earned himself seventeen more detentions. Eleven of them for the same reason.

**Don't you just love snow days? I finally have the time to do this!**


	5. For Righty

Upon leaving the classroom, they were cornered by two foot-tall elves. Oh, wait… first years. They were just tall enough to look Race and Les in the eye.

"How come you guys can't do magic?" one of them demanded.

"Squibs!" jeered the other.

Race shrieked. "SQUIDS? WHERE?"

He dove under a non existing table. (They were in the hallway, after all.) When he realized that, he hid behind a tapestry instead.

Spot took over. "Hey, we ain't no squids."

"Or squibs," David piped up. "Whatever that is."  
"Yea, so get outta here before we soak ya!"

"FOR CRUTCHY!" Jack yelled.

The newsies rolled their eyes. The first years scattered (partly because of Jack, mostly because of Spot).

"Well, I think we have found Race's most feared fear," Blink said conversationally.

Spot shook his head. "Never though I'd be replaced," he said glumly.

(Race's fears: 1. Squids. 2. Spot. 3. Losing a Bet.)

The next day, Jack woke up bright and early. He was going to fly on brooms and score the Quaffle and avoid the Bludgers and catch the Snitch! Hooray!

He wasn't aware he had said any of this out loud until one of the other boys said, "Jack, you're monologuing again."

"Oh right…"

After a few hours of flying on brooms and scoring Quaffles and avoiding Bludgers and catching Snitches (Hooray) Jack was proclaimed "Beater". While he was still not entirely certain what that meant, he knew he should be excited. Hooray!

"A first year is good?" the hairy potter cried. "This hasn't happened since… me! AND I'M AWESOME!"

"Oh, can it, Harry," the redhead chick said. "At least he's dreamy."

The hairy potter watched speechlessly as the redhead chick chased Jack around the pitch on their brooms. Jack feel off and got a concussion. Whoops. That sure teaches him not to do cartwheels in midair.

Jack was carried to the hospital wing by the redhead chick and a girl with black hair. They both thought he was adorable and then got into a chick fight over him. While Jack fretted about the hospital wing taking flight, the girl with black hair fled the hall being chased by flying…. er, things.

David burst into the wing at a very romantic scene between Jack and the redhead chick. "OUT OF MY WAY!" he cried dramatically. "I'VE GOT A CONCUSSION TO FIX!" He pulled on surgical gloves with a _snap_.

While he prepared herbal tea for Jack, he monologued. "Is it serious, Doctor?" he said in a high pitch voice. "The coma may be irreversible, Nurse," he replied in a deep voice. "Quick! Get the paddles!" He threw the tea in Jack's face.

By some chance, a few drops rolled down Jack's throat. _Kerplop_!

"Wow!" Jack cried. "I'm better!"

A giant man with a large moustache appeared suddenly. "Young man," he rumbled to David, "that was the most remarkable show of Muggle knowledge I've ever seen! Do come to a party!" He thrust an invitation down David's shirt and fled.

David opened the invitation. It exploded into fireworks and balloons. "The Happiest Place on Earth!" an announcer announced.

"DISNEY WORLD?" Jack yelled.

The announcer cleared its throat. "Um, no. Slughorn's office."  
It shut up after that.

Jack pouted. "I really wanted to go to Disney World!"

"NO OVER EXERTIONS!" The real Nurse cried in a deep voice.

Later in the Ravenclaw common room, David accosted the Cho girl by the fire.  
"What's this Slughorn thing?" he cried, brandishing the invitation in her face.

"Shh!" Cho threw the invitation into the fire. "If the other Ravenclaws hear you, they'll get jealous and curse you in your sleep!"

That shut David up.

"Professor Slughorn obviously thinks you're unnaturally smart. Probably for your odd ways and smartness of old Muggle stuff. SO he wants to collect you. In the SLUG CLUB."

David stared at her solemnly. "Really?"

Cho nodded solemnly. "Really."

"But…"

David paused.

"I'M NOT A SLUG!"

David went to the party anyway. He felt out of place. It was much like he felt around the newsies when he first became one. Actually, he still felt that way around the newsies… around anyone. He snuck away from all of the party people, who were currently singing a chorus of Queen's "We Will Rock You," but of course David had no idea what they were singing.

He found himself in a room full of vials. He felt like a young schoolgirl who was entering a brand new candy shop, but was not allowed to buy any sweets. He let out a schoolgirlish squeal of delight and skipped down the rows of potions, gazing at all of them with giant eyes as he passed.

Some potions smelt horrible, like a scary bubbling one he saw in a larger vial. Some smelt wonderful, like the one in a vial that had to top, letting the fumes escape in spiral patterns of delightfulness. The smell was familiar to him, a smell he was IN LOVE with. Some potions had no scent, or color, or taste. David could always sense if something had taste (by judging whether it had smell) and that potion did not.

One potion, however, caught David's eye so much he let a mystified "OOOOOOOH!" when he saw it. It was in a tall, skinny vial at the end of the row. It floated above a red pillow that sat on a pillar as golden as the liquid within the vial. Soft angel voices sang out as David drew nearer to the potion. A gentle light shone on it, making the bottle sparkle like Edward Cullen… only I didn't type that.

"Pretty!" David exclaimed slowly. He looked around. "It won't hurt if I take it," he told himself, reaching for the vial. "NO! he said, slapping away his right hand with his left. "BAD RIGHTY!"  
"But look at it!" Righty said. "It's so pretty!"

"I know!" David replied, seeming to be unaware that his hand was talking to him. "But stealing is wrong!"

"OH SHUT UP AND TAKE THE DANG VIAL!" Righty screamed. Terrified, David slammed Righty into the nearest wall, and watched him go limp.

"You killed him!" a new voice piped up. His left hand rose up to face David. "He's dead!" Lefty turned to face dead Righty, who was pitifully hanging from David's arm. "My best friend!" Lefty wailed, then turned to face David menacingly. "Now I'm gonna make your life misera…" His words were cut off as David slammed Lefty into the same wall that had ended Righty's life.

"Lefty?" David looked guility at his dead hand. He got down on his knees and wept. "WHAT HAVE I DONE?" he asked himself. He cried for a few moments more and turned his attention back to the vial. "Fine! I'll take it!" he decided, snatching the vial with his hand that was inanimate once again. He held the potion in the magical light dramatically for a few moments longer. "For Righty!"


	6. Miraculous Things

**The Gryffindor Common Room**

Les was scampering around, being chased by a Frisbee that Jack had stolen from a "second year".

Suddenly, Les tripped over something THAT WASN'T THERE!

(Now, it takes great skill to rip on flat surfaces. Being only near ten, Les did not possess this skill. So something was up.)

Les had tripped over a CHAIR.

But not only a chair…

…. A Blue SPARKLY Chair!

Oh, and it had an invisibility cloak on it. But who cares about invisibility cloaks when you've got A Blue SPARKLY Chair?

Not Les!

Jack, on the other hand, was fairly interested. A cloak of invisibility! Of great power! Of magic! Of – whoah, is that a chair?

"Jack, you're monologuing again," Jack's roommate said as he passed.

Oh…. sorry.

Anyway, Jack took the invisibility cloak and shoved it into his bigger-on-the-inside pocket. (Besides, being invisible, it also fit into small places.)

But what if its owner should come looking for it and find a very visible Blue SPARKLY Chair? Being Jack, you could count on him to mess it up and end up with a yellow eyebrow or something.

So Jack, being irresistibly charming, talked the oblivious beaverish looking girl with big hair into knitting a 'replacement.' It was bright orange.

"Perfect!" Jack smiled. "Thanks, Harriet!"

"It's Hermione."

"Whatever."

Jack stashed the orange cloak in a cupboard marked SUPER SECRET CLASSIFIED CONFIDENTIAL INVISIBILITY CLOAK. ONLY FOR THE HAIRY POTTER.

All this happened in a matter of a few seconds, thanks to Harriet's necklace.

"It's Hermione."

Whatever.

Jack decided to test the Cloak of Invisibility, of Great Power, of Magic, et cetera et cetera.

And who better to try it on than the hairy potter?

"And it's not ANYWHERE!" the potter was complaining.

"Have you tried the Super Secret Classified Confidential Invisibility Cloak; Only for the Hairy Potter Cupboard over there?" the redhead with the long nose asked.

"Oh, yea…"

"So, one of those new kids – you know, the weird ones with hats and newspapers – is in the Slug Club," Harriet said.

"HE'S A SLUG?" the long nosed redhead shrieked.

"Well, if you put it that way…"

"BUT I DON'T WANNA BELCH HIM UP!"

"Oh, Ron, you're such a baby…"

Jack crept out the fat lady's portrait, satisfied with his cloak, leaving Les playing in the common room, satisfied with his chair.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Kid Blink was making friends with the giant teacher dude.

"Norbert? That's so interesting!" Blink gasped.

"Yea, it's a bucket load of fun," Race muttered.

"Oh my god, I know!" Skittery gasped.

"Is sarcasm completely lost on you?"

Hagrid, the giant teacher dude, then started rumbling half understandable syllables about Grawp of the Pine Trees. Blink and Skitter were rapt in wonder. And awe.

But then…

"QUIDDITCH!" rumbled an unseen voice. Race shrieked and dove under the table. "IT'S QUIDDITCH TIME! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hagrid gasped, scooped up the newsies, and sprinted to the match.

The game was delayed a bit because they hairy potter was suspiciously tardy.

But the game was AMAZING!

The newsies were intrigued! This was SO MUCH BETTER than cartwheels in the street!

The highlight of the game was Jack hitting one of those floaty iron balls into a Slytherin person.

All the newsies, even Spot, cheered wildly for Cowboy. They even broke out into song.

**GO GET EM COWBOY!**

they chorused.

Jack did a victory lap around the pitch and ended up crashing into the commentators podium, along with the redhead chick. That was exciting too.

The next day, the giant teacher's dude giant spider died. Since Harriet and the long nosed redhead couldn't make it, the newsies accompanied the hairy potter and Slug Man to the funeral. Pincers were involved.

At the funeral's afterparty, Slug Man and the giant teacher dude quickly grew drunk and feel asleep. The hair potter, after making sure they were out, proceeded to drink copious amounts of Essence of Insanity, and resultingly passed out.

It was then that David brought forth the GLOWY POTION.

"It cost me two hands to get it," he said seriously.

"ALCOHOL!" Race shrieked. He grabbed at the vial and took a sip. "Interesting flavor."

All of the newsies (besides Les and David) took their turns. "Interesting," they chorused. "Oh, but a bad aftertaste."

After several minutes, they successfully peer pressured David into taking a sip (really, they poured it down his throat). It took a while because according to David, "DRINKING BAD AHHHH!" But he took a sip. However forcefully.

He forbade Les to take any. But unbeknownst to anyone, a drop had fallen on the exact splinter from the table that was now embedded in Les's left little finger.

"Ow!" he said, sucking on it. "Interesting flavor," he repeated thoughtfully.

(Also at this cozy get together, David overheard Slug Man muttering in his sleep. "No, Harry Potter, you cannot have the memory that shows how I told Tom Riddle to make a Horcrux, that would be irresponsible even though I already did it fifty years ago and giving you the memory could possibly save the wizard world!" David pondered this, dismissed it as nothing, and went on with his life.)

* * *

MIRACULOUS THINGS BEGAN TO HAPPEN.

Racetrack awoke and found his pants too short and his bed unfitting.

"O M G!" he yelled.

"O M _W_ G," his roommate corrected.

"Whatever. I _totally_ grew!"

"Not ah!"

"Yea huh!"

They measured. Race had grown exactly 1.73928 inches over night. He ran out to tell…. well, everyone. Racetrack was on duty to watch Les, which he promptly forgot about in lieu of his 1.73928 inches.

Luckily for Les, when he fell off Buckbeak into the lake, he did not need a newsie to rescue him.

He had the GIANT _SQUID_!

Which was bloody awesome.

Kid Blink awoke and felt weird. He felt… blocked. And when he went to wash his face, there was an EYE beneath his patch.

"Holy – fudgsicle – uncle – of – my – dog!" he screamed.

It was blue. And it spun. And it _x-rayed_. Blink spent many a happy hour that day watching girls pass by. Bad Blink!

David awoke to fireworks. "Congratulations!' said a woman next to his bed, totally not being a creeper. "We would like to present you with this special shiny plaque for services to the school for your smartness is Muggleness!"

David blinked. "Oh, thank you, Professor Burbage!"

"And look!" Professor Burbage added. "It sparkles like Edward Cullen!"

David took the award and suddenly had a PREMONITION.

He gasped. "Professor Burbage! You're going to die in a year!"

Professor Burbage smiled fondly at him. "Oh, bless him. He thinks he's a wiz divinationer now that he holds the power of Edward Cullen in his hands. That's Alice, dear, Alice."

Spot awoke with a desire to punch someone. So he went and found the Malfoy boy, who was incidentally standing in front of a row of teachers. Spot punched Malfoy in the nose.

Malfoy's nose burst like a bubble. Of bloooooood. Mua a a.

"Morning, Spot," the teachers chorused naturally.

He smiled, saluted, skipped off.

Skittery awoke to find his bed surrounded by girls. Every time he said something, they giggled. And sighed dreamily. And followed him everywhere. He had the next seventeen weekend booked with dates by noon.

Jack awoke to the redhead chick dumping the hairy potter for him. That was pleasant. Jack also took pleasure in strolling around the dormitory, arm in arm with the redhead chick, right in front of the hairy potter (and the long nosed redhead).

It was a miraculous day.


	7. Not So Miraculous Things

The next day, Race's newly tailored pants were too long, and he feel out his larger bed. He then consequently burst into tears.

Blink walked around half the day without noticing his marvelous eye was gone and all that was left was his empty eye socket. Which scared all the cute girls away. Only Loony was interested.

Skittery's seventeen dates coin-message cancelled on him, all at the same time. He hid in the bathroom the majority of the day.

Les went down to the lake to find his friend, but all he discovered was a bunch of ugly mermaids. Boooring.

David's award was taken away. He screamed and refused to let it go. They needed to use wand force. (They found out he was a Muggle. Therefore Muggle knowledge was redundant on him. We aren't sure why they didn't just kick him out.)

Draco told on Spot, and Spot got detention. He skipped it.

It was Jack's luck that the redhead chick didn't break up with him, because he was already irresistibly charming.

It was a not so miraculous day. Well, unless you were Jack.

* * *

While Jack was still sleeping, the hairy potter was practicing spells. Forbidden ones.

"Ama gonna levitato!" he intoned. It didn't work. (Shock.)

He frowned, then pointed at Jack. "Ura gonna levitato!" It didn't work. (Big shock.)

He flipped through his text books idly before finding a random spell. "Levicorpus!"

BANG!

The spell rocketed past the long nosed redhead and hit jack. And a rope (invisible, of course) hoisted Jack out of his bed! And outside his covers, it was cold, because Jack was only wearing his boxers.

The rest of the boys laughed. Haha.

Jack burst into tears out of insecurity.

* * *

"Let's go to Hogsmeade!" Race yelled.

The newsies (except Spot) formed a Conga Line.

They picked up random first years who were too scared to refuse.

Spot had slightly more dignity to preserve, so he Macarena-ed down to Hogsmeade.

And they all met up at the Candy Shop. Because it was all they could agree on.

Spot tricked Kid Blink into sucking on a "acid – I mean blueberry" flavored lollipop. Blink had no tongue in a matter of three seconds. He bought six more for Christmas presents… mua a a.

The red head chick was playing with Jack's hair in a dark corner. "You're all the candy I need, Jack," she purred.

Anyway, let's get away from that disturbing picture…

The newsies walked out of the royal honey shop with lots of candy and little money.

Then it was cold. Sot hey went to a pub. And got scared off by a headless pig! So they went to another pub. Where the waitress was like, ten times prettier than Medda. And probably a third of her age.

Race excused himself to the bathroom while Slug Man talked to David about smarticle things. And when Race came back, he was DIFFERENT!

"What's in the package?" Skittery asked curiously.

"I don't know," Race said. "I have to deliver it."  
"Why?" Blink asked. He had foam all over his face. He looked like Dumbledore.

Race blinked. _Hey, I have to give this to Dumbledore, and there Dumbledore is! Right in front of me_. "Here you go!" he said brightly. "Normally when asked to deliver a package, I would have said "I'm not an owl!" But this guy was particularly hot. I think he said his name was Tom. Tom Felt. You know, like the cloth."

All the newsies ignored the last part. They had known about Race's situation before he even went into the closet.

On their way up to the castle, Blink opened his present.

"Hey, Dumbledore, you shaved!" Race exclaimed as Blink pulled out a necklace. "Oh, it really brings out your eyes. Hey, are you and Tom _involved_? I _totally_ called dibs, you back stabber!"

Then Blink fell to the ground, as if back stabbed. Then he flew up and was jerked around like a puppet, screaming all the while.

The newsies were beside themselves in terror, screaming and falling all over each other as Blink collapsed on them.

The giant teacher dude appeared out of nowhere, scooped all the newsies up, and sprinted Andrew Springer style up to the hospital wing.

All seven newsies stayed there that night, being treated for shock (plus cursed-ness in Blink's case). They also gave Race hell for being such an idiot.

* * *

The next day, there was a Quidditch match. And Jack "accidentally" cough cough hit a bludger at the hairy potter. Whoops a daisy.

So they all ended up in the hospital wing again. But the hairy potter had two wrinkly creatures with him! Dobby and… Creature. How original.

Spot captured these wrinkly creatures in the middle of their 'mission' and introduced them to the newsies.

Dobby was nice. Creature was weird.

After Blink was cured, he and Dobby were inseparable. They were so cute together! And Blink even got a few dates by using the well known sympathy factor. Nice one, Blink.

* * *

"Hey, guys! Red head chick and I are going to a super exclusive VIP party together!" Jack announced one day.

"That's not exclusive," David said. "I think we're all going."

"WHAT?"

"Well, I'm a slug, and Blink was invited by Dobby, and Skittery's serving drinks and dragon balls, and Spot's crashing, and Les has about three dates 'cause he's so cute, and Race is handing out towels in the loo."

"Oh." Jack struggled to think of something to best David at. "Well, do YOU have a date?"

David gulped. "Uhh, yea, of course, I do!" he said smoothly. "I'm going with…" he grabbed the nearest person. "Loony." He did a double take. "Loony? I mean, yea, Loony." Who, incidentally, had one yellow eyebrow.

"Oh, I'd love to, David," Loony said in a singsong voice, "but I'm already…:"

David interrupted. "This guy pressured you into turning your eyebrow yellow, didn't he?" he said seriously. "Trust me, you'll be better off with someone honest." He paused. "By the way, your feet stink."

Loony beamed. "Well, of course, David! And your hair looks like a poodle."

* * *

None of them remembered what happened at the Christmas party. Jack woke up with a pineapple. Make of that what you will.


	8. Wizard Nuts!

**This chapter is dedicated to SilverShoes17, who caught my How I Met Your Mother reference in chapter 7. You rock! And so, of course, do all of our other readers. We love you!**

The redhead chick invited Jack secretly to her house for Christmas, and Jack dragged along all six of the other newsies with him. Real inconspicuous.

As soon as Skittery walked into the kitchen, he saw an ANGEL!

He walked right up to her and said, "Can I borrow your cell phone? I have to tell God that I found one of his missing angels."

The angel frowned. "What's a cell phone?"

Skittery frowned. "I don't know."

Redhead chick and Jack disappeared into a gnome infested garden, wink wink nudge nudge ew ew. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the hairy potter was so mad he snapped his glasses in seventeen pieces.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Skittery dropped to his knees. "I LOVE YOU!" he yelled. "With a fiery passion of a million burning suns! And the Santa Fe sun, which is technically the same sun as the New York sun, but bigger and different!"

Fleur frowned. "Wait…. what?"

"I LOVE YOU!" he yelled again.

"But I'm engaged!"

"But I'm prettier than him!"

"Yea, you are." She paused. "But I still feel guilty."

"Bill doesn't have to know until I die," Skittery suggested. Then he shook his head. "Wait, what?"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, it was Christmas!

Blink got a package from Dobby – a sock necklace! Dobby was so overflowing with love for Blink that the socks would just not stop coming, so a necklace it was, with red and green and blue and orange and purple and yellow and a large chameleon one in the middle. All the newsies were jealous.

After the redhead chick and Jack removed themselves from the gnomey bush, Jack found himself cornered by the hairy potter.

"So, _cowboy_," the hairy potter sneered.

Jack cowered in the corner. "PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"

The hairy potter rolled his eyes. "You're totally not my type. Besides, all I want to do…. is shake your hand."

Jack perked up. "That's it?"

"That's it."

So the hairy potter grasped Jack's hand awfully hard, in Jack's opinion.

The hairy potter started mumbling stuff under his breath. Jack only caught phrases like 'stay away from Ginny' and 'or I'll kill you,' whatever those phrases meant together. He wasn't really sure what the whole thing meant, so he just said "Okay."  
The hairy potter laughed triumphantly. "See, that means you can't be with Ginny or else you'll DIE!"

Jack whimpered. "I don't wanna die!" Then he had a brilliant thought, which is really rare for Jack. Since they were still holding hands, Jack yelled out "AND YOU HAVE TO BE MY SLAVE FOR A WHOLE DAY STARTING NOW!"

"Wizard Nuts!" the hairy potter yelled, yanking his hand away from Jack. But the damage was done. Mua a a.

* * *

Back at Hogwarts, the hairy potter was wandering around in an orange shawl, because he was still unaware of the fact that Jack had stolen his REAL invisibility cloak.

Spot was nabbed in the middle of the night from his bed. Which didn't go over so well, because Spot is stealthy like a ninja so he promptly had the two thugs who tried to nab him in a double sleeper hold.

The Malfoy boy realized this wasn't going to well, so he puffed out his chest and yelled "HEY YOU TOUGH COME WITH ME YOU JOIN US!" because after all, Draco Barbarian.

Which, oddly enough, impressed Spot enough to let himself be led into that place that the Cho girl called the Room of Requirement, where a bunch of dark-twisted-creeper AWESOME people (in Spot's opinion) were sitting in a circle chanting things that sounded an awful lot like Russian.

As soon as Spot joined the circle, his memory went black, and he 'woke up' the next day with something strange on his left arm. He went to go share with the newsies.

"Hey guys! These people in cloaks and weird masks gave me an awesome tattoo, look!"

When Spot flexed his muscles (which made all passing girls faint), the tattoo of a snake coming out of a skull danced and slithered and was awesome. All of the newsies went OOOOH! and AHHHHH!

After the AHHHHHing and the OOOOHing, an unseen voice rumbled, "QUIDDITCH! IT'S QUIDDITCH TIME! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBOOOOOOOOOO!"

The newsies all gasped and conga lined it down to the Quidditch pitch. Spot, of course, Macarena-ed. He had a new scary reputation to uphold, after all. And wow, did his new awesome tattoo dance when he Macarena-ed! (Much more OOOOHing and AHHHHHing commenced.)

The OOOOHing and AHHHHHing ceased, though, when the newsies (and the rest of the school) realized that the hairy potter was suspiciously absent from the match. And so was a certain Snape Man…. hmmm….

"WHO WILL PLAY SEEKER?" the unseen voice wailed.

"Me!" Les said. "I will!" He waved his hand wildly above his head (because he was really short).

"YES! YOU ARE SMALL AND AGILE!" rumbled the unseen voice. "TAKE HIM!"

David gasped. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" But Les was already being carried to the field by a swarm of red and gold weirdos.

As soon as Madam Pooch blew the whistle, Les was so excited that he threw his arms up in the air, not caring about the dangers of hovering broomsticks. However, to everyone's shock and awe, the Snitch dropped right down his sleeve!

The whistle blew again. "!" rumbled the unseen voice.

The hairy potter, hearing all of this unseen voice over the intercom in the secret place that he was, started grinding his teeth in anger, having found yet another reason to hate the newsies. After all, HE was the youngest seeker in a century! No way he was gonna let another person set a record!

"A NEWWWWWWW RECORDDDDDDDDDD!" rumbled the unseen voice. "THREE AND A HALF NANO MILLI LITTLE SECONDS!"

The hairy potter's mouth gaped open and his chin fell onto the desk. He then began to cry hysterically, much to the pleasure of the Snape Man.

Les was carried up to the Gryffindor common room by the swarm of red and gold weirdos. All of the other newsies were swept up in the commotion as well, even the non-Gryffindors. But nobody cared enough about them to notice.

The redhead chick was pouting because Jack had mysteriously dumped her.

The hairy potter burst into the common room and yelled, "I WON!"

Crickets chirped from the fireplace.

The hairy potter ran to the redhead chick and swept her up in his arms in a totally-not-intentionally-creepy-but-totally-creepy way. As the redhead chick wailed in fright, the hairy potter glared at Jack victoriously and ran away from the common room. Jack just shrugged and picked a random extra to be his new date.

* * *

**So, yea. Me and NewsiesRacetrack88 finally had another one of our crazy sleepovers so we finally had time to finish this story! Warning... it gets really crazy from here on out.**


	9. MYSTERY SOLVED

Les drank so much juice at the victory party that he really had to go to the bathroom. So he ran to the "loo." There was blood all over the floor. And also inside the "loo," there was a large blue box. Les just thought it was a weird wizarding bathroom stall. So he went in it.

Standing there was a strange man in a brown coat, a blue suit, and red sneakers. "Have you seen Rose?" the man said.

Les was really confused.

"Oh, you don't want to be in this bathroom. There's blood all over the floor. I'll take you to this morning!" the man in the blue suit said brightly.

"Wait, what?" Les said.

"Allon-SYYYYY!" yelled the man as he pulled a wibbly lever and pushed a wobbly button.

AND THEN EVERYTHING WENT TIMEY WIMEY.

_Hroaahahh! Wrhaahah! Wrhaahaha!_

Nothing seemed to have happened except a lot of strobe lights.

"Here you go! Bye!" said the man in the suit, opening the door and pushing Les back out of the blue box.

It was the bathroom, but there was no blood on the floor. "They must have really efficient janitors here!" Les said.

He walked into a stall, and as soon as he had shut the door, he heard the unmistakable noise that was the feet of the Malfoy boy running into the bathroom. He was sobbing. Les figured the Malfoy boy was having an angsty moment, so he decided not to leave the stall just yet.

Next, as heard through the stall door, came the unmistakable noise of the feet of the hairy potter! Les, of course, could tell everyone by the sound of their feet, just like his brother could tell if something had taste just by seeing it. It was a family gift.

Les was intrigued by the sudden entrance of the hairy potter. Some serious showdown was about to be happening in the loo!

There were lots more flashy strobe lights, and then the hairy potter was wailing and there was blood all over the floor. AGAIN! Les slipped on the stickyness and fell out of the bathroom.

"YOU!" yelled the hairy potter. "YOU CAN'T BE HERE!"

"But I drank too much juice…." Les whined.

"THERE'S NO JUICE!" the hairy potter yelled.

"But… the party! The victory party! For the Quidditch match!"

"What are you talking about?" the hairy potter sneered. "I haven't won the Quidditch match yet."

Les got the strangest sensation that he had, by standing in the strange blue box, travelled back in time. "The timey wimey!" he gasped in realization.

The hairy potter stared at him. "Are you high?" He shook his head. "YOU SAW, DIDN'T YOU? YOU SAW ME USE AN EXPERIMENTAL CURSE ON MALFOY AND YOU KNOW I ALMOST KILLED HIM AND YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ON ME!"

Les just realized that the Malfoy boy was on the floor, bleeding his life out. "Oh! He must've gotten arrested for murder, and that's why he missed the match!"

"YOU CAN'T TELL ON ME!" the hairy potter wailed. "I'M THE BOY WHO LIVED! THE CHOSEN ONE! I WAS **CHOSEN**!"

Then, an idea struck the hairy potter, he snatched Les's hand and said quickly, "You aren't allowed to tell anybody what happened or else you'll die. Kay? Kay."

Les understood immediately. "Okay. AND YOU HAVE TO BE MY SLAVE FOR A WHOLE DAY STARTING NOW!"

The hairy potter yanked his hand back. "WIZARD NUTS!" he yelled. "THAT'S THE SECOND TIME THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME!" And he had another reason to hate the newsies.

Suddenly, the Snape Man rushed in and started yelling at the hairy potter.

**(A/N: In the movie, when you watch this scene, you will notice that when Harry runs out of the bathroom, there's a random creepy person standing in the doorway to the bathroom. You can bet that it's Les! Timey wimey. Weird.)**

Les ran away quickly after that crazy random happenstance. He had the strangest precognition that he should hide in the bushes by the lake for the whole day. He heard, while hiding in the bush, the unseen voice over the intercom yelling about the Quidditch match. Les gasped. That was HIS Quidditch match!

"Timey wimey. MYSTERY SOLVED," he mumbled before falling asleep.

The next day, Les was awakened by the newsies shaking him.

"Les, what happened?" the newsies chorused creepily. "You went to the bathroom and we found you by the lake."

Les was too creeped out by the chorus to answer.

David broke apart from the crowd. "Why are you covered in blood?"

Les gulped. "Because…. I, uh…. killed someone."

"OH! Was it a doe? Did you eat it?" Jack exclaimed. "Lupin says that's what makes you win Quidditch."

The newsies gasped. "MYSTERY SOLVED."


	10. The Last Melon

**This is the end, folks! It only took us... like... four years... but we did it! And we apologize for the impending random crazyness.**

* * *

One random crazy day, the newsies were babbling incoherently at each other by an open window. They all stopped babbling at the exact…. same…. time…. and….

A DEAD BODY FLEW PAST THE WINDOW.

"OOVBWAAAAAAA!" said Race, running around in circles and screaming.

Random masked strangers with matching tattoos to Spot burst into the room. They took one look at Skittery and said, "AVADA KEDAVRA TO YOU, SPENCER!" in unison. Quite creepily.

A strobe light flashed and Skittery also flew out the window. His body fell down and landed on top of the other body.

Race paused his OOVBWAAAAAing just in time to say, "O-M-G! A BIG GREEN GLOWING FLAME JUST **ATE SKITTERY**!"

The newsies were beside themselves in terror, screaming and falling all over each other.

"Who's that guy he fell on?" Blink asked. "He's kinda old with a lotta white hair…"

Jack shrugged. "Who cares?"

Spot whirled upon the masked strangers with the matching tattoos. He was about to give them a piece of his mind when he saw their canes.

"OH!" he said in excitement. "I see you have a cane! I have one too! They're very manly, and… TOUGH!" He pulled his out of his belt loop and accidentally flung it into one of the masked stranger's eyes. Both of the masked strangers died of sudden artery clogging.

"THAT TEACHES YOU ABOUT HEALTHY EATING!" Jack yelled.

* * *

A couple hours later there was this huge funeral. All dedicated to Skittery! The newsies placed him lovingly into a cardboard box behind this huge marble box. Hundreds of people gathered to speak about Skittery. But they all kept getting his name wrong. Seriously, how do you go from "Spencer Libalibo" to "Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore"? Seriously, who the hell is Albus Dumbledore?

Fleur walked up to the cardboard box and looked down at Skittery. "Don't take this the wrong way, but… it never would've worked between us. I'm breaking up with you. I hope we can still be friends." She walked away. All of the newsies stared.

Jack clapped Skittery on the shoulder. "Harsh, man. Whatever. I'm here for you."

Cho, relevant to the plot again, suddenly appeared. "GUYS! THE VORTEX!"

"What vortex?" the newsies (minus Skittery) asked.

Cho rolled her eyes. "You know? The Deep Dark Chasms filled only by Spinning Vortexes of DOOM? The one that only comes around at the beginning and end of the school year, for those kids who can't afford to get to the Hogwarts Express?"

"Oh, yea. That was too many chapters ago. I forgot," said Jack.

"WELL IT'S BACK! YOU HAVE TO RUN!"

"O-M-G!" David yelled. "GOTTA GET BACK TO NEW YORK!"

All the newsies (minus Skittery) banded together and Chicken Danced it to the lake, which was inconveniently where the Deep Dark Chasm filled only by Spinning Vortexes of DOOM was. Even though they were getting increasingly faster to the tune of the Chicken Dance, it didn't look like they were gonna make it! And Chicken Dancing is hard to do underwater.

A giant eye opened underneath them. Race screamed (underwater, which made no noise) and passed out. Les yelled, "LOOK IT'S MY FRIEND THE GIANT SQUID!" (underwater, still making no noise).

"Race! Don't pass out! WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO THE VORTEX!" Blink yelled (underwater… soundlessly).

But Race was still unconscious. After all, his biggest fears were 1) squids, 2) Spot, 3) losing bets.

Several really ugly fish being creatures jumped out from behind kelp. The newsies (minus Skittery and Race) all screamed. Really, they didn't understand the concept about sound not travelling underwater.

The really ugly fish being creatures, however, turned out to be kinda nice. And they pushed the newsies (minus Skittery, plus Race) into the Vortex. They made it through just before it closed, in a very cliché manner, as dramatic stories are wont to do.

The newsies (minus Skittery) were thrown through the wibbly wobblyness of the **DEEP, DARK CHASM** filled only by **SPINNING VORTEXES OF ****DOOM**!

And then they all landed haphazardly on the Brooklyn Bridge.

"Was that the real life?" Blink asked.

"…Or was it just fantasy?" Jack said mysteriously.

None of them could tell. After all, they had all gotten quite drunk before and had similar escapades, involving all manner of crazy random happenstances like freeze rays and light sabers and sonic screwdrivers.

They had all (minus Skittery) convinced themselves that it was "just fantasy" when THE VORTEX OPENED AGAIN and out flew THAT KINDA OLD GUY WITH THE LOTTA WHITE HAIR riding a MAGIC LION!

Race, having just resumed consciousness, passed out again. Understandably, because he is such a wimp.

"RUMBLEROOOOOOOOOOOOAR!" rumbled the voice.

"O-M-G!" Jack yelled. "IT'S THE QUIDDITCH INTERCOM VOICE!"

The newsies (minus Skittery and dragging Race) all screamed and ran away.

Rumbleroar (for that was the name of the now seen voice) did a couple flying loops around the Statue of Liberty before meeting up with a strangely familiar blue box in Central Park.

"Oh, hey, Doc," Rumbleroar said nonchalantly.

"Did the newsies get safely back?" the man in the blue suit asked the lion.

"Oh, yea. They got back fine."

"Good." The man in the blue suit smiled. "Let's go kill the Daleks again."

* * *

**-Brooklyn-**

It was a dark and stormy night.

Spot Conlon awoke with a terrible nightmare. He sat up quickly and grabbed his cane. "I MUST GET TO MANHATTAN!" he shrieked.

* * *

**-Manhattan-**

It was a dark and stormy night.

Jack Kelly awoke with a terrible nightmare. He sat up quickly and grabbed his rope. "I MUST GET TO BROOKLYN!" he shrieked.

* * *

THE END.

No, really.


End file.
